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Who needs loud mouth Dr. Phil? Such insight into obtaining this most elusive of lifes simple pleasures hasnt been shared since Dr. Ruth endorsed the Eroscillator 2. Unlike the good doctor though, Im not talking about physical pleasure. Im talking about the pleasure of finding the right life long relationship; opposite sex type or same sex type. It doesnt make a difference. So pay attention and you just might get to the Promised Land.

It is The Cranelegs Five Second / One Year Plan to Lasting Relationships. Its Cranelegs because it is my discovery and that is my nickname. Kind of catchy too. Anyway, the plan occurs in two distinct parts: 1) the first five seconds of introduction, and 2) first year of partnership. The first step is involuntary. The second is controlled by each partner. The steps must occur in sequence and be satisfactorily executed by both partners.

The easy step is the first five seconds of introduction. It is the setting of the attraction switch. Its easy because there is nothing you have to do. It is impossible to control and it can occur anywhere: at a business meeting, at a gun show, in line at motor vehicle, in aisle six at the supermarket. The switch setting process is initiated when two people first meet by chance or otherwise. They make eye contact. Electrical charges are immediately exchanged through the optic nerve combined with possible scent pulses through the olfactory canals and/or touch data by the shaking of hands. The combined information packet does one of three things when it reaches the cranial attraction switch: 1) sets it to on if currently in the off position, 2) resets it to on with new information in the event it is already on from a prior unrelated encounter but in a dormant state, or 3) fails to either set or reset the switch. This wired send-and-receive response occurs in five seconds; longer in older specimens but rarely beyond twenty three seconds. The participants can be conscious of it or not. It doesnt matter. Its chemistry.

When the switch is set on, it initially is in a dormant state. It remains in this inert status until triggered by environmental changes that allow the person to be actively cognizant of it. In young, unmarried, unencumbered participants, it can move to the active state quite rapidly, sometimes within minutes or the time it takes to have a glass of wine.

For older, married-with-kids, highly cumbered types, the on switch may remain unknowingly in a dormant state until death. Unfortunately, many times it moves into the active phase prematurely, leading to a messy break-up with or divorce from the existing partner. In other cases, the person may reject the new partner as the result of the weighty guilt one acquires from feeling that tingly sensation every time the new partner enters the zip code.

Young or old, sometimes one person is activated and ready while the other is not; leading to pressure, petty jealousies and detrimental on-again-off-again encounters. Regrettably these circumstances are almost always certain to put the kybosh on carrying out a successful second step.

One last comment about this five second deal, well-intentioned people mistakenly believe the attraction switch can be set to on manually at some later date. The typical example occurs when someone has unwittingly moved into an active partnership with a switched on person even though their own attraction switch remains in the off position; or worse yet, remains in a dormant on position set by another person. Sometimes it is difficult to tell if the switch is not properly set. Typically the most noticeable indication is the lack of a spark. The old adage youll know it when it happens is about the best way to say it. Youll just know. But people are capable of wishful thinking when adored and treated nicely. Maybe a best friend keeps telling you how lucky you are. Maybe your parents hammer you over the head about how your biological clock is running out of time. Maybe you are just plain lonely. Maybe the partner is loaded down with cash from an inheritance or lottery win. With such external pressures, its understandable why we might start to think, hey, perhaps this person really is the right one for me.

And what happens? The commitment switch is erroneously set to on while in denial about the absent ember of passion. Not good. You are possibly headed for either a lifelong, listless, loveless journey or more likely an agonizing renege-on-the-commitment break-up when you come to realize either the attraction switch has always been off or the person who really set the dormant attraction switch on becomes actively available for some unanticipated reason. Studies have concluded the length of time one will remain in such a futile committed relationship is directly related to which side of the couples age gap one is on, and your partners wealth compared to yours or that of the new interest.

To summarize step one: mutual attraction must be registered by reciprocally setting the attraction switch on within the first five seconds of introduction (longer for older subjects). It can not be manually set later.

As easy and carefree as the first step is, the second is the complete opposite of easy, actually it is the most oppositest if such a word existed. Once the attraction switches are set, once the timing for both parties is right and once the passion is unleashed, each partner has one year to find out if he/she really likes the other person. Being honest with ones self during the one year partnering stage is no easy task. While in the mutual throes of warm summer afternoon picnic trysts or cold winter night crackling fireside embraces, its hard not to want to like someone; especially if they can swing from a trapeze with their legs wrapped behind their head or they are able to lick your earlobe from across the room or any other physical endeavor that might make your toes curl from erotic glee.

Dont be fooled, as most are when under the swirling spell of sparks, to think you have a chance without liking the other person for who he/she actually is; as opposed to is suppose to be. Oh sure, maybe your contortionist partner isnt quite who they are yet. Maybe all they need is a little guidance here, a gentle push there and theyll shape up to be who they are suppose to be; someone you can really like. Big, big mistake. Dont think for a second that youll eventually drag his sorry atheist, golf-on-Sunday ass into the front pew for a little weekly Baptist shakedown. Dont think for a moment that youll just cancel her subscription to Ms. Magazine and lapse her membership to NOW after you sign her up to join the local chapter of the Republican Women Homemakers Association. It aint never going to happen.

But do not fret. Opposites can survive as long as the respect their oppositeness. If you want to see a model odd pair who like each other for what they are, you dont have to look any further than that wacky political couple, James Carville and Mary Matalin. Folks it cant get any weirder than that. And they seem to be real content and happy.

To summarize step two, its not easy my friends. One year. Thats it. Gotta like em for who they are. Its not like an out-of-place vertebrae that some Chiropractor can adjust. If after three hundred and sixty five days you are still having difficulties saying you like the person, it just isnt going to happen. Its time to move on and do it as soon as you possibly can.

There you have it. Its simply difficult and difficultly simple. And any of you who have been through a few failed relationships know this plan makes sense. You have five seconds and then a year. Try it the next time. You can thank me later.