As we rang off on the phone one night, my best friend said to me, When we hang up, I want you to say to yourself, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy. This made me laugh, of course, and then I promptly forgot to do it. But it came to mind in my early morning prayers the next day. Am I worthy? How do I know? And worthy of what? To me theres only one way to get an answer for these questions. I have to start with perfect God, holy Spirit, infinite Creator. Because to start with my human self would be a dead end. The human selfhood Im slogging around isnt always the most worthy of anything. It makes too many mistakes; it has too many fears. And I probably spend too much time beating it up and expecting it to be perfect. But then theres God. Im so relieved to remember the divine Being who fills all space actually made me in its image and likeness. As explained by the system I study, Christian Science, God creates out of His own selfhood, with the same substance as Himself. He is His own raw material, because He is total self-existence. Nothing exists outside of God, Spirit, from which anything else could be made. So there wasnt some flawed pile of dirt God was working with to create me. Instead, I am a being of His light, created with His glory. This selfhood, this reality, is eternally worthy of all praise and admiration because it is in His likeness. How else could it possibly be? To me, remembering my own worthiness is a form of worshipping God. If I forget, if I slip into deriding myself, Im in effect turning my back on God and His creation. If I believe too much in the mortal selfhood and forget theres more to me than meets the eye, Ive forgotten God as well. And boy, that feeling is miserable. The things I get into such a stew about, the randomness and unpredictability of life, the way even my best intentions can get skewed and turn out a messthese things have always been and continue to be the smokescreen. This is not to say I shouldnt try to be the best person I can be. But I have to remember that even my human best doesnt hold a candle to the streaming light of Gods creation. Sometimes I just have to retreat, in self-defense, as Chris Jesus did, when he got away from the clamoring crowds and took the time to pray. Mary Baker Eddy, the discoverer of Christian Science, says about these times, Jesus prayed; he withdrew from the material senses to refresh his heart with brighter, with spiritual views (Science and Health). When my heart needs refreshment, when I pull away from the material drama, I find in the heart of prayer a brighter view and a renewed sense of my own worthiness. And really, its the only place Im going to find it. And then I knowI am worthy. |
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