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I have always said love and sex are like chocolate, and peanut-butter, both are good by themselves, but, when mixed together, they are at their best. You can have love without sex, and you can have sex without love. But, sex with someone you love is best.

The human animal is not always monogamous. Other animals throughout the animal kingdom are also known to be non-monogamous. In the book "The Myth of Monogamy" written by David Barash, a University of Washington zoologist and professor of psychology, and Judith Lipton, a Seattle psychiatrist, suggest that it is natural for us to cheat and that monogamy is something we have to work at. Barash said numerous recent studies have shown that many animals and birds, such as eagles, geese, beavers and gibbons, previously believed to be faithfully monogamous, aren't.

In fact, there are creatures that choose a single mate for life, even though they continue to mate or fool around with others. We assume that infidelity is most often committed by males. Male animals, like apes and lions, have harems. Mankind too, has had harems in it's past. Men having multiple lovers has been an acceptable practise among many cultures. However, studies of the wild kingdom have shown that most often it is the female that takes multiple mates. They just tend to be a little craftier at it. This is a survival method used by the female to insure that at least some of her offspring are from a quality male, while providing security for herself and her brood. We, as humans, do not need this tactic to insure our survival.

Barash and Lipton say that males tend to be opportunistic and have sex out of marriage because it is available and pleasurable. For women it is a way of obtaining something better than their mate, someone who may be richer, more handsome or more powerful.

It is not their purpose, nor mine, to condone infidelity. I think as humans we can overcome pure carnal animal behaviors. That said, I also don't condemn those that practise open or swinger lifestyles, it is being shown to be natural not to mention the latest studies show that "open marriages" are lasting longer than traditional ones. I believe you and your mate have to make the decision of monogamy or not.

Yet, we still have natural tendencies to commit adultery. We have to work at a monogamous happy relationship. Just as we have to work at playing the guitar. Learning to play the guitar would take commitment, and practice. Some of us will learn, some will give it up. Monogamy is not natural, and requires effort to achieve. Let's face it, the human mind, if not the body, is still going to rome. We will fantasize about the girl or guy we met in an elevator, or work with. We will close our eyes an envision a past lover that was particularly good. We will make love to our mates and make believe they are our favorite movie star or rock star. Fantasy is normal. Our minds a capable of creating whole worlds for us to explore. We can't stop that.

Why not provide a release for our fantasies and natural tendency to cheat? Why not heighten the passion and sexual gratification, by fulfilling a portion of our lovers fantasies? If we make ourselves the center of those needs, desires, and fantasies, we are not providing a method to maintain monogamy?

If a couple agrees that sex with others is mutually gratifying, is that adultery? If both parts of a couple are openly participating in the activity with the full knowledge and consent of their partner then this is monogamy of a different kind. The dictionary defines monogamy as follows;

monogamy
Pronunciation: (mu-nog'u-me),
n.

1. marriage with only one person at a time. Cf. bigamy, polygamy.
2. Zool. The practice of having only one mate.
3. the practice of marrying only once during life. Cf. digamy.

Is this definition relevant in today's society? Definitions have often changed with the social changes. Can we not choose one mate for life, while having multiple mates for gratification? Perhaps the answer is in the 2nd definition. We choose one mate, and have sex with others. Mating does not have to mean copulation, or intercourse. Here is the definition of mate;

mate

n., v., mated, mating.
n.

1. husband or wife; spouse.
2. one member of a pair of mated animals.
3. one of a pair: I can't find the mate to this glove.
4. a counterpart.
5. an associate; fellow worker; comrade; partner (often used in combination): classmate; roommate.
6. friend; buddy; pal (often used as an informal term of address): Let me give you a hand with that, mate.
7. Naut. a. See first mate. b. any of a number of officers of varying degrees of rank subordinate to the master of a merchant ship. c. an assistant to a warrant officer or other functionary on a ship.
8. an aide or helper, as to an artisan; factotum.
9. a gear, rack, or worm engaging with another gear or worm.
10. Archaic.an equal in reputation; peer; match.

1. to join as a mate or as mates.
2. to bring (animals) together for breeding purposes.
3. to match or marry.
4. to join, fit, or associate suitably: to mate thought with daring action.
5. to connect or link: a telephone system mated to a computerized information service.
6. to treat as comparable.

1. to associate as a mate or as mates.
2. (of animals) to copulate.
3. (of animals) to pair for the purpose of breeding.
4. to marry.
5. (of a gear, rack, or worm) to engage with another gear or worm; mesh.
6. Archaic. to consort; keep company.

As you can see there are many meanings to the word mate. If we choose a lifelong mate, it is out of more than sexual reasons. We desire the lifelong companionship. We have a natural need for more than one sexual partner. Therefore, I put forth, that monogamy does not have to mean one lifelong sexual partner. Monogamy means not committing adultery. What does adultery mean then? Let's have a look;

adultery
Pronunciation: (u-dul'tu-re), [key]
n.,
pl. -teries.
voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

Very short definition for such an emotionally packed word. I think this definition is archaic. I believe a better definition would be- Having loving relations with someone that is not your lifelong partner.

After all it's not the fact that you had sex with another partner that hurts you significant other, but rather the betrayal of trust, and the love that may be shared between you and another human being.

Sex and love are not the same thing. You can love without sex, and you can have sex without love. Adultery is the betrayal of that love, not betrayal of sex.

I believe that many who practise open relationships, or the swinging lifestyle, have come to terms with that. That is why their marriages are lasting longer on average than the general publics marriages. They have agreed to take on a lifelong partner, while participating in sexual relations with others. They love each other and have agreed to have sex with others. Their love is not betrayed, and therefore, no adultery is committed. The need to cheat has been fulfilled, and the need for a lifelong partner or mate has been fulfilled. No need to look for love outside of their relationship makes monogamy easier.

To answer the title of this article monogamy means the agreement to take on one lifelong LOVE mate. With the restrictions agreed upon by both mates.

James Newton

Jim is a successful e-commerce web site owner and developer. Most Recently Jim has been appointed to serve on the Business Advisory Council (BAC) as a representative of the State of Georgia, and has been granted the 2006 National Leadership Award. If you have input about tax reform and/or debt reduction that you would like me to carry to Washington, I would love to hear it.