While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasnt included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial School of Hard Knocks. As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, youre tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature. But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages. There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying I do. Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect weddingmore than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony. Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said I do? 1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work.It doesnt just happen on its own. Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldnt be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment. 2. You dont get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to take a break from the relationship stuff for awhile. But if youre not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. Theres no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. Youre either going forwards or youre going backwards. 3. Saying I do is not the endits the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they dont have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship. But a marital relationship isnt the end of the road. Its only the beginning of your opportunity to grow your marriage and create a rewarding relationship with your partner. 4. Youre not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different. Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, its easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth. Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, theyre convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage. 5. You cant give what you dont already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage. Marriage wont make you happy. Only you can do that. If youre not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards. 6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesnt take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up. This is why good communication is important. Couples who cant talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication. 7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You cant expect the spouse you called a witch or fool at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m. By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring. The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus. 8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesnt mean that you dont love him or her. Its normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times. Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactionsyou know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream I hate you, Mommy! when he didnt get his own way. There are times when spouses cant stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesnt mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone. 9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship. Its important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation. 10. Theres no end to growth. Theres always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person. Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never graduate from relationship school. Just when you think youve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you. And in the areas where you resist growth, youll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choiceto stay stuck or keep on growing. |
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