I didn't give a lot of thought to birth control as a young nineteen year old. I wasn't involved in a relationship and while I wasn't a virgin, I wasn't expecting to be sexually active. I didn't realize that I would be meeting Bobby. One stupid night with a near stranger was so out of character for me that I still look back and can hardly believe my behavior. Bobby was charismatic and flattering and I was a little drunk. Before I knew it, we were making love. The night was incredible and in the morning I said good-by with a blush on my cheeks. Bobby was a college student on vacation and I knew I would never see him again. I didn't plan to tell any of my friends about my escapade that is until I realized that I was late for my period. Every woman in that situation knows that moment when everything in your world seems to come to a stop. The wind dies, the radio fades and your heart beat pounds in your ears 'Am I pregnant?' This calls for a girlfriend. Together with my best friend I made a trip to the local clinic for a pregnancy test. I walked in afraid and walked out numb. Nineteen, pregnant, earning six dollars an hour as a clerk and completely alone I was scared to death. The woman at the clinic had pushed an abortion brochure in my hand but it wasn't something I was willing to consider. Of all the things I wasn't sure of I knew that I would soon be giving birth to a baby. Beyond that, I was clueless. I had a good friend who got pregnant at 16 and while it she was definitely less mature, she had the support of her parents and a secure home life. As I looked out over the next nine months and eighteen years, I felt completely inadequate. I didn't make a real firm decision until I was about five months along, but I actually considered adoption as an option from the first day. I phoned a private adoption agency and asked questions anonymously several times and finally made an appointment to talk seriously with an adoption counselor. The woman I met with was kind and full of patience. I expected to get some pressure from her but it never came. Adoption is not a decision that anyone makes lightly or impulsively. She was there for me to answer questions, give advice and provide support. Being pregnant and making plans to place the baby with an adoptive family presents a lot of opportunities for awkward moments and having someone to talk to was valuable to me. Both before and after my baby was born. I would be lying if I said that I never had a moment of doubt, but overall I had peace about my decision. By the eighth month I had chosen a young couple to be my new baby's parents. When I went into labor, I felt like I was doing it all for them and the precious baby that I was giving to them to raise. I wouldn't say that I felt disconnected from my baby because I did feel an incredible bond with him. However, I chose to see him as belonging to someone else from the beginning, a member of someone else's family. A precious gift that I got to play a part in creating. Giving a baby up for adoption (not a term that adoption advocates like you to use) is a painful experience even in the best of situations. My heart broke when I left the hospital without him. But I have not regretted my decision. I chose a better, more secure life for my son and a few more years of growing up for me. |
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