I remember well the feeling of overwhelm, fatigue and disorientation of being the mom of a new baby. I sketched out a circle pie chart of my life and roles before children and after children. In the before circle I was: lover, friend, professional, musician, spiritual seeker, workshop leader, public speaker, counselor and me. In the after pie chart, I was MOM. This new young life was taking my total focus, energy and sense of myself. That was several years ago and I have some secrets to share with new moms about your new role as parent. I am happy to tell you that I am still very happily married. Our son is a wonderful, sensitive, smart, funny and loving young man. OK, Im a little partial hes our son. His teachers, other adults and his friends feel the same way, so I am not too far off base. So, lets look at some ways to nurture your self during this time. 1. If you are feeling overwhelmed and tired remember two things. First, you will feel like yourself again. Part of this process is shifting hormones, lack of sleep, a new role in life and amazing responsibility. You will develop a rhythm and schedule during the course of the next few months. 2. Secondly, talk to other moms. I felt like it was a well kept secret, this feeling of overwhelm. You too, may feel like youre not a great mom for having these feelings. Id say that about 70-80% of the women I talked to expressed these feelings. One mentor of mine said, Iris, we talk about instinct in parenting. Yes, we do connect intimately with our child, but learning has as much to do with becoming comfortable. Youve had a relationship for 9 months with your child in the womb, but its going to take awhile to develop this relationship. You wouldnt expect any other relationship to be established in just a few minutes. This one will take a little time for you to get to know each other. Be gentle with yourself and praise yourself for everything youre doing well now. 3. Stay very positive with yourself. Refuse to be self-critical. This is a new type of relationship. You need to be kind with your self-talk. Encourage yourself with each step and each success. 4. Be loving to your mate. When youre tired and stressed and perhaps only had contact with a non verbal child, its easy to be a little snappy. (Thats an understatement). Your partner is NOT the enemy. He is a help and a support. Praise what he does to help. Resist the temptation to criticize the way he does things. He WILL do things differently then you, that doesnt make him wrong. Dads add a balance and perspective and your child needs both sides of parenting. In general he will treat your new young one as less fragile. He will not be as neat. He will do things that are good enough rather than perfect. If you want to be co-partners in parenting dont scare him away by criticizing him for doing things differently then you. Youll be grateful for these differences as your child grows. 5. Go out on a date with your mate 2-4 times a month. Your core foundation for the family is your relationship with your mate. My father was the person who gave me this advise and Ive taken it since our son was a couple of weeks old. Its not neglecting your child, its taking time to build the relationship that created this life. Plus, it keeps you in balance and helps you feel like a lover, friend and partner, not just a mom. Please dont make excuses on this one. You may need to become a creative problem solver to find someone you trust with your young one. One solution could be finding another new mom and both of you trading time to take care of your child and theirs while the other couple makes a date. Youre spending 26-28 solid days with your child. Spending 4-10 hours a month with your mate is not too much to ask to remain married for a lifetime. 6. Take a few moments for yourself when you can. When your child is sleeping, take a nap, bubble bath or call a friend. When your partner is home, meet a friend for coffee for an hour. Keep your appearance up. It can be a negative cycle: no time for yourself, not taking care of your grooming, feeling depressed about being unattractive. I remember getting up an hour before my son awoke so I could shower, put on my makeup, dress and read some inspirational words. I always felt attractive, even if I was tired. 7. If you do feel extremely depressed, irrational and out of control call your doctor immediately!!!! You may be one of the few new moms who need medical attention and counseling. Dont feel badly about this. Youre just one of the small percentage of women who has a major biochemical and/or psychological shift that needs professional help. If you have any doubt, call your physician describe your emotional state and request an evaluation. Its ok. Dont judge yourself. It happens. Get help now. 8. Really enjoy the time with your new child. Cuddle, hug, smile, get goofy and learn to play again. This is a time to see your life through new eyes. Your child is seeing everything for the first time. You and your partner will also experience this newness. Its magical! 9. See your child and your life as a legacy. When we had our son, for the first time, I could see my life as more than a five year plan. I could see my life telescoping into decades along with grandchildren. It truly is a joy and an honor. Youll do great during these beginning times. I can truly say, of all my accomplishments, raising a wonderful young man and sustaining a great marriage are my greatest joy. These secrets will help you get through those first few months of being a new mom. Its a joyful time as well as a demanding time. Ask for help when you need it. Reach out to friends and previous co-workers. Youll be touched by how much others are willing to help. |
About Us
